Things You Can Do — Teaching Your Child about Physical Differences, how to Promote Compassion and Inclusion at Every Age.
One of the best lessons parents can give their children is to be accepting and compassionate to those who look different than them. However, it can also be one of the toughest lessons to impart. Celia Heppner, Psy. D., a plastic and craniofacial surgery psychologist at Children’s Health℠ and an assistant professor of psychiatry at UT Southwestern, says that teaching your child about physical differences starts early and continues through childhood and in the teenage years.
People may look different in different ways
A child can notice when a classmate, friend or stranger looks different than his or herself. There can be several reasons that could lead to these discrepancies:
- Acne
- Congenital (from birth) or acquired (developed through time) facial dissimilarities
- Changes in the face or body as a result of side effects from medical treatment, such as chemotherapy or long-term steroid treatment
- Scars
- Weight or height differences
“There are many physical differences that do not actually relate to a medical condition that can result in appearance differences that in a child can certainly be vulnerable to bullying or social stigma,” Dr. Heppner said.
What becomes of kids who look different
Three-fourths of kids have been bullied at some point in their life by the time they graduate high school, Dr. Heppner says. Sadly, children with facial differences due to a craniofacial condition or any kind of appearance difference are more vulnerable to bullying and isolation.
Children who look different can face additional forms of social stigma from their peers and occasional adults, such as staring or avoidance. “Children may not feel comfortable playing or talking to children who look different from them,” Dr. Heppner says. “They might know intellectually that there is nothing inside that person that is different per se, but socially they might struggle with things like asking questions without thinking, going along with peers who are acting insensitively, or can be afraid that they are going to say the wrong thing and avoiding the interaction altogether.”
An Acceptance of Others: Teaching Your Child to Accept
As a parent, here are some age-appropriate steps you can take to help your child learn to be accepting of those who may look different than they do. This kind of teaching is based on showing and practicing kind, inclusive language every time you meet a person with a physical difference.
Nurturing acceptance in young children (Pre-K and under)
“It’s also key for parents to remember that young children are still learning the social rules and expectations around interacting with others,” Dr. Heppner reminds. “So it’s so typical for them to ask direct questions or point things out that could be seen as rude or social not appropriate for an older child or adult. This is typically done out of curiosity, not a real attempt to be mean.” If this is the case, it’s also a great opportunity for parents to teach and show their child:
- How to treat other individuals with differences with kindness and how to not stare, point or exclude them
- How and when to ask questions about differences
- How to ask the question (and get an answer) and then move on (not pestering the person with one question after another)
It all starts early, preparing and instilling a mindset of acceptance. If you start to have these conversations with your child early, practice good modeling behaviors, it can assist your child in flourishing through the childhood and adolescent years and help them see the world with compassion.
Teaching acceptance in school-aged children (K-6th)
Dr. Heppner says, “When children and parents are interacting with somebody with an observable difference, parents can use that opportunity to model good social skills, being kind, inclusive and accepting — attitudes and behaviors they’d like their children to adopt and use.” Parents can also start introducing concepts to their children, such as fairness and empathy, and considering someone else’s perspective, at this age. And, as the child matures, parents can discuss how to handle specific scenarios, such as witnessing a peer being bullied due to a difference, and talk about how their child can help in those instances.
Middle school to high school: modelling acceptance
Parents must still seize opportunities to model kindness when they arise. Perspective taking is a skill that develops throughout adolescence, so talking about what it would be like and how they might feel if they were “in someone else’s shoes” can still be beneficial for many teens. If parents are worried that their child is a bully, use that as a way to get a professional involved, such as a therapist or school counselor.
Continued exposure and candid conversation
Parents can have lots of opportunities to discuss acceptance and compassion with their child. These dialogues can happen repeatedly — A dialogue that can be had multiple times in a child’s growing up. Parents need to help kids work through their reactions to people who are different, and provide opportunities in which they will have increased exposure to people who are different from them.
“It’s also good for parents and kids to think that many people may differ in ways that are not outwardly visible,” Dr. Heppner says. “You can discern a lot from external appearances, but there are a lot of differences or difficulties that we can’t see just looking at our physical appearances. Invite kids to consider how people might differ in that way, as well as what people might have in common with people who might appear different at first.”
